ACCEPTING myself, the way I AM

People say, the first and the most important step to solve a problem, to get over a bad phase is to identify where the problem lies and then accept it. ACCEPT IT IF YOU WERE WRONG, ACCEPT IT AS A FACT THAT U MADE A MISTAKE, accept that you could not yield the best even though you had put in ur best. Bade bhaiya also said ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY. They truly say this is the most important step, not coz this is the main part, but coz this is the toughest, especially when the problem lies within me. Finding the problem in my surrounding is far far easier than seeing it in myself. I can always conveniently blame my friends, my seniors, my professors for the problems of my life, I can even go to the extent of blaming my parents for not giving my enough time for myself. Even if I know that the mistake was mine, i’ll find a thousand reasons to prove that I made no mistakes, i’ll develop many counters to convince myself that it wasn’t my fault, i’ll keep fooling myself rather than believing that I made a mistake and take measures to rectify it. I’ll keep seeing hope in my surroundings that someone someday will come and tell me that I was right (if i ever find such a person, i’ll start liking him/her[:P], will start believing him/her[:P], i’ll be very positive towards him/her[:P], but i’ll never be able to be very positive for a person who has always been truthful to me, and i feel this is not wrong, this is just human nature, and the day i learn to get over this, i'll move a step ahead in my life) and I never caused the trouble, but again with all this, consciously I m fooling myself. I’ll keep waiting for a solid proof that says I made a mistake, and the day I get one such, i’ll cry over all the moments when I fooled myself into fallacies.

This can be due to our ego, or our high esteem of ourselves, maybe coz we feel that accepting our mistakes makes us a loser, all in all, accepting our mistakes is real tough. The day we learn to do this, I surely believe that life becomes a lot simple. I do need to realise that I am a human who can make a mistake. I don’t have to be perfect at all times. I may be a responsible person, but still i can err. I can be childishly wrong. I can make mistakes. Reasons can be many- it can be unintentional, can be due to anger, due to adverse situations of those times, it can be anything. I don’t have to be right at all times. And most importantly, I m not answerable to everyone around me. I am answerable to me only, i just have to realise that i was wrong, and not that some external surrounding made me behave in that manner. And the only fact is that I don’t have to run away from these mistakes, coz running away from them means running away from my own self. I just have to accept them. Acceptance can be tough, but is not impossible. And accepting my mistakes won’t make me a loser, but they will strengthen me and help me improve. Once I know what I am, where I lack and what I did wrong, I always have a scope of improvement. If I know my mistake today, I might not repeat my mistake, but if I don’t just see, i’ll not only keep repeating that mistake but will also keep adding on to my pile of them. All I know is that self acceptance is tough, but is NOT impossible, and since it’s of so much benefit, it’s worth a try.

For all those people like me, who have rarely tried to evaluate their behaviour, try to introspect. Try seeing YOUR mistakes, and not others. Try learning from them. You’ll definitely see a difference. If I can succeed, u’ll surely. :)

P.S. – a completely self centred write-up. Was giving funde to myself, was convincing my own self. Liked it, so posted it.

P.S. – more fundae requested. ;) ;)

P.S. – thanks to the people out there who have instilled in me the habit of acceptance and truthfulness. :) :) :)

kuch khaas...

ab mausam itna zyada shayarana (poetic..!!) ho raha tha toh mujhe laga main bhi saaz ched hi dun..!! mera ek chottu sa namoona..(ekdum mere jaisa..!!)..!!

well its a dedication..to many ppl!!..kis kisko..padh ke samajh aa jaega..!!

here it is..

ek ajeeb khayal, jo dil mein sama gaya
ek ajeeb khayal, jo zindagi banke aa gaya

rishte khoon ki zanjeer nahin,
wo dhaage jinke liye dil mein hai jagah kahin.
apne wo hain jinhe humne har pal pukara,
na ki sirf wo jinke saath bachpan guzara.
yaar wahi jiske liye dil se yahi dua nikle
har kaam mein tujhe tera rab hi mile.
tere liye jab do shabd main bolun,
khushiyon ki nayi tarang mehsus karun;
sirf saath rehne ka ehsaas nahi,
par duriyon mein chupa pyaar bhi.

ye pyaar ki wo kadiyan hai,
jo dil se kabhi nahi tootti.
din aaye, din gaye,
lamhe beette gaye;
hum saath hase, roye bhi,
kal kuch the, shayad aaj nahin.
aaj kehne ko shabd kam hain,
par wo ehsaas abhi bhi hai-
kuch anokhapan hai jisme;
jo kabhi bachpan leke aata hai
aur dher saari yaadein de jaata hai,
par phir jab aaj dikhta hai
to yaad aata hai
beete lamhein phir nahin lautke aate.

chahe ho tum mera ateet
ya mere aaj ka sahara,
jab bhi yaad teri aayegi
dil se duaa yahi niklegi-
khushiyan saare sansaar ki,
sajawat bane teri zindagi ki.

aisa aaya ye ajeeb khayal-
apna kal yaad kara gya,
dil ko chhuke chala gya,
zindagi badalta chala gya.
*********************************

namoona kaisa laga..batana zalool..

and thanks to the people..who have changed the stream of my thoughts..given me newer dimensions..newer viewpoints..n newer meanings to life..seems like i m starting afresh..ye post isi ka nateeja hai..!!

P.S.: got the best compliment ever...that i smile a lot...!! thank u... :)

my first...!!

P.S.: this is a completely arbit article...written out of nostalgia...nostalgia that arose in my cyl tut today...!! the prof was saying some blah...blah...blah...was teaching the organic part of jee...and the person next to me (:P :P :P) was humming my favourite tune (see..he was equally bored of the class..!!)...and with all those benzene rings with some substituents on the board...i got occupied with the classes of organic@vm... And i ended up writing this...lol...!!

Did I actually move on? Have i forgot those people or am i acting like i have forgot them? Where did that closeness for those people in my heart vanish? is it the satisfaction of my new life thats dragging me away from the old? Or is it my friends who are pushing me away? Was it intentional or coincidental.. :P ?? What took me so long to settle in this “new” world...with so many new people...newer feelings...nice seniors... (Very recently i did realise they are very nice..!!..Nothing like I assumed them to be... :) )!! What kept me deprived of it? Was the inhibiting ‘force’ in me?? What took me so long to realise that there are so many wonderful people around me?? and now whats making me forget those wonderful people with whom i have been through the past years???!!! what dragging me...!!!!??? n where???!!! i m confused.... :O

Why is it that today I am moving, rather running away...literally running away from the people who meant life to me? How come can I spend days without even thinking about those people...people without whom I just couldn’t spend hours? Why is it that those sweet love-hate relationships have turned so blank? I do miss that part...I do miss you all...I know I always will...but yes, I don’t want to be back...it’s scary to be there again...!! And actually...the difference is in ME..!!!

With so many silly questions and practically no answers...i decide to get over them..with just one conclusion...for me, its a crave for love... and happiness...n satisfaction... :) !!

But anyways... there’s always good in everything that happens... and here I do realise what love and affection mean...what they mean to me...!! A slight act to show u care...a message...an off liner...any affectionate act...I did take a lot of time to realise that these little things in life matter...these small acts of benevolence... they make life special... truely said...live for the moments you cannot put into words...

Well...when I started out in 10th... I was a girl with barely any friends, and with barely any confidence...always stuck to music...and nature too...after almost three years, ends up exactly with the same...!! but with a difference...and the difference is ME... today, I am a bit more confident than what I was then...I have gained some maturity out of the incidences happened to me, and others around, and today I am more into me...surely I can say that I LOVE MYSELF... this feeling doesn’t strike me now that I am weak...and when it does, it vanishes sooner than doing any harm...lol...and yes I have control over myself...though a bit less ambitious than ever... :P

In everything...one thing that didn’t change...I didn’t stop loving...but I have stopped expecting...and made my life wonderful enough....hehehe...and one more thing...the VM spirit (sorry ankur, for taking this phrase from ur blog)...!!! I just cannot forget the people...the sentiments...the attachment...and I cannot forget anything...our first class of munna bhaiya...when we assumed him to be some fresher...who was trying his hands on teaching...he looked so cute...(even now he does..!!)!!!...memories of friends spending time together in the van...@ school, playing anything n everything...our D.E.1 class...when munna bhaiya wore that “complex is cool” T-shirt...when I just couldn’t get over that slogan...that just after ts-6, I got that slogan right on my room wall..!! The TS experience...the bus time..!! bade bhaiya talking in favour of the doctor involved in the kidney scandal...and me agreeing to him...the surprise class tests...the integration1 test...god...!!..bade bhaiya’s take on drinking, reshuffling (well..I’ve heard this time we don’t have any girl in the p-batch...did my words make a difference...does bade bhaiya think that all girls are as sentimental and stupidly emotional as me...!!)...the interference class...when chotte bhaiya went on to speak beyond studies...on life...infact I still do remember those interference questions, chotte bhaiya’s electrostatics class...they were so good that I can still teach any student this topic...our kinematics class...where we weren’t taught coz we didn’t come prepared for it...the rotation1 class...where we were told that we are the most useless creatures who are hoping to get into iit without any effort...my first conv with bhaiya... on holi...!!...the organic classes where bade bhaiya kept telling us what they wanted out us... the so called “good brains” of the country...bade bhaiya’s last class...the height of nostalgia that hung on to me...never knew that I’d be linked to them all...even after the jee...everything was just awesome...and its still so fresh...!!..Pallu bhaiya...vivek bhaiya...kiran di...alok bhaiya...aditya bhaiya...priyanshu sir...veeru bhaiya...and their never fading words...of guidance...of actual bliss...and of course sandeep bhaiya...my best friend at vm...I could share anything with him...there was nothing that made me think vm was just an institute for jee preparations...!!! if there’s someone from whom I have learnt to love and to care...its VM...I can see the same affection for every student in bade bhaiya’s eyes as he holds for his own daughters...and not just bade bhaiya...everyone there...just everyone...it still is my life...infact the only UNIVERSAL CONSTANT of my life BEYOND MY PARENTS is VM...!! Thanks bhaiya...for everything you’ve instilled in me...I owe a lot...my life, my present existence to you...!!...and yup...all you anti-VM community people...i’ll kill you...Literally...(bhai...this aint for u..!! tujhe sab allowed hai... :P :) )!!

Well...after I have moved out of vm...something more I have gained is happiness...!!..And learning to live the joys of life...!! And today the life I am in...It’s actually the best...!! And there are some people I do owe this happiness to:

• thanks snehil, for giving me this idea to express my gratitude to ppl....!!!!

• Undoubtedly, all the vm seniors, kiran di-for giving me the strength to accept and love this place, for supporting me in EVERYTHING I do here...had u not been there, I wouldn’t have loved this place the way I do it now...thanks di...for making me feel @ home even here...thanks for making me feel what it means to say... "WHATEVER I DO, I AM MY ACTION, IN MY TOTALITY"...thanks for those arbit gossips...for everything...!!...and pallu bhaiya...for all the time u spend talking to me in the insti...and shobhit bhaiya...!! Thank you all...

• Rohit, thanks for being the same rohit as you have ever been...nothing has changed you...you still lend me the same support as you’ve always done...

• Akshay...thanks for ur support...and concern...!! n sorry for my rudeness at times...!!

• Ankur...you’ve been a mentor, at all odd times...thanks for all ur advises...they’ve meant a lot...And have made a lot of difference too..!!

• Thanks KESHAV (more than 2 people call u keshav...in case u notice. :-)...though we say it sometimes only...but still...!! :P )...for letting me attend the MAL tut...: P...And for many more things u know..!! And akhil...for emphasising the real significance of ‘CHILL’..

• Thanks saumya...i love you dear...for all your concern...for you i am the same...and i‘ll be as i’ve ever been...!!

• Gaurav, himanshu, namita, damini, saumya, sukriti, vaibhav, akshat, sarthak and all my school friends...for making me feel i was special and giving me those priceless moments and loads of confidence...!!

• Surabhi...thanks sweety...rmbr that day in NRCVEE...u mentioned that I am myself more important than others...that to make others happy...i need to be happy...i really held on to those words...!!

• All my hostel-ites and my x-dandi (calling u dandi sounds better than cultu)...for believing that i can also work...hehehehe...promise, won’t ever let u down...!!

• And thanks to ma-pa...for everything...and to my siblings for making me believe that life is not a fairy tale...!!

P.S.: hey sukriti...sorry for the times i have misunderstood you and your actions...sorry girl...!! i do understand you were very right at your place in the steps you took..!!

P.S.: thanks to all the kailashites for making the HOUSE DAY...our first event...a grant success...thanks to our deco and fac team...and thanks to all my guests for being there...and bearing with my incompetence to manage things...!! thanks and sorry...!!
thanks for all the appreciation...!! :)

P.S.: Snehil... its Kiran DI and not Kiran D...!!!!

P.S.: the SATPURA house day...thanks ankur and akhil...it was one of the most remarkable events of my first year, whose memories i'll always cherish...!! the video was a true 'studappa'...and the theme was very cuteee....!!!!!!